Not gonna lie, Notacon 9 was way tiny. It felt sad, and I fear the event will die if we don't bring more more people back each year. There were SO MANY people who didn't come this year.

THEY MISSED OUT. And I'm sad because I missed them and because they missed out, not because I didn't have a great time without them. I had a really great time once again. I delivered another talk successfully, which I'd give myself about an 75% on the "everything I'd wanted" scale, and lead a weekend-long game development hackathon which didn't go so well, but still had the satisfaction of having people walk up and talk to me about it and be interested. It's just that there was too much else going on during the weekend to compete with, and no one really felt like they could experience all of Notacon AND spend a weekend building a game. Which, really, I maintain, isn't true, but it's hard overcoming preconceived ideas, and a lot of people think that it takes a long time to make a game. Still, I think I reached a few people and got them into something that they can explore further on their own and enjoy.

I was feeling a little self-conscious about doing the whole thing, because Game Maker is kindof derided as a "toy" by a lot of people who don't appreciate it. But then I overheard someone today encouraging someone else to submit a proposal for something next year, saying to them that hacker cons need moar entry level events and activities, and that made me feel better about not being amazing in the sense of doing something state of the art and groundbreaking and being the most 31337 h4XXz0r evar.

I mean, on my own time, I'm satisfied by making progress and learning, and by doing something and being able to release it -- although, I never feel like I learn enough or learn it fast enough. But when I'm giving a presentation I want the cool kids -- by which I mean the really smartest ones, the accomplished ones, the ones who have made a name for themselves -- to be impressed and think I did something cool, and not that I wasted their time by doing something trivial and acting like it was special. I'd been feeling bad about the low overall turnout and the lower participation in my game dev event, but over the weekend enough people did come up to me unsolicited, and say that they thought it was interesting and cool and that they liked it, that it made me feel better. I mean, I understand that not everyone is going to be as driven as me, or as into My Thing as I am, and I really liked getting to talk about Game Maker with the people who walked up and showed interest, and answer some of their questions. So I'm over my hyper-criticism and embarrassment at not being everything I wish I could be and not being able to do something that could amaze myself. At least for now.

And that's a sliding scale, anyway. If you'd told me three years ago that I could present a live talk AND program Space Invaders in front of an audience in 90 minutes, I probably would not have believed it, not had any idea how I'd ever be able to get to that point, and really WOULD be amazed. Does it matter if I didn't write it in CSS3 or OpenGL or something more primitive? A little, but not really. It's more about playing to your ability and building on your potential.

So I met some new people, reconnected with a few. I think the smallness made it feel more intimate, and I was able to connect with people better. I spent less time going to the talks this year, and more time talking to people. It also felt more sedate and sober, although there was plenty of debauchery on Saturday night, and I didn't even make it into any hotel room parties. My invisible barrier prevented me from partaking in that, but I dunno, I guess it's not really what I am looking for anyway.

It seems like every year, I end up having an amazing conversation with someone who gives me the feeling that I always crave: that I'm interesting and cool and accepted. ...but who is unavailable for a deeper or longer lasting connection. This is always bittersweet, because I do really want to find that, but I still love the hours-long conversation for what it is.

I don't go to hacker cons looking for a sexual hookup, although there's a lot of that -- hackers are a pretty kinky, poly-friendly lot by and large, and, well, it's about as totally unrealistic as I can imagine to think you'll go to a place like that and meet someone who's actually available as in actually single AND that they'd really be relatable to me AND not be more attracted to someone more flashy and magnetic AND... sigh. yeah. bittersweet.

But I'm really savoring the sweetness, and I'm glad I've gotten pretty good at that, accepting what is given without ruining it. It's just really nice to get to have a deep conversation and share a moment and get hugs.

I was really glad to see a lot more of my local friends there this year, too. After having gone to the last three now, and talking about it so much, and wondering why more people who really ought to be into it as much as I am if not more hadn't gone, it was really cool to see them there this year. It felt different, like my normal everyday life integrates maybe a little better with my hacking life. So good on that.

I hate feeling ignored probably more than just about anything. People don't mean to do it, most of the time, I don't think. But it just happens an awful lot anyway. One thing I probably hate as much if not more than being ignored is demanding attention. Something's been eating at me, maybe it's the solitude that I feel at work, but I definitely don't like it, and what I feel it doing to my personality/mood. I need hangout time, but I also need recharge time, and project time so I can do me-stuff.

Over the weekend, I completed a code challenge project as part of my application for the apprenticeship position at LeanDog. It was the same exact problem that I had to do a year ago. This time, I was able to complete it successfully and in time.

Most interesting to me was that I was able to get it done in Game Maker. I've been studying the Game Maker platform a lot over the last year, and although I find its limitations frustrating very often, I also find it simple and easy enough to do just about anything I can think of, although it ends up being a lot harder in the long run, I think, than learning a technically better platform would be.

I actually started trying to build my project in C# using VisualStudio 2010, and it's been so long since I've done any programming in C# that I felt so rusty that I wasn't sure I could get it to work. Simply getting the environment set up, with a unit test suite and source control, was trying my patience. Like, it wouldn't be if I used it a few times a week, and I could remember all the little things, and had someone who could show me how to avoid pitfalls and understand the right way to do things.

But I also have gained an appreciation for small, simple languages, and C#.NET is not that. It's SO MUCH FUCKING WORK to just decide what way to declare a class or a variable, and most of the distinctions aren't all *that* important, so I appreciate a language that gives me fewer things that I need to consider when I want to just get something done.

Of course, I'm going to need to get accustomed to complexity, bigness, and things that are poorly documented, poorly written code, poorly designed and poorly architected, you name it. That's my job to put right. And I know that I can, I just need a chance to do it full time, for real, and get good at it.

It'll be an interesting time if I get in. I don't know what else I can do if I don't, so I feel like I kindof HAVE to if I want to get anywhere in my career like I want to. I mean, I know I have my current contract at Progressive renewed if I want it after this six months is up at the end of April, but man, that job is so frustrating, with the lack of authority and how slow things move there, and it's not at all challenging, other than to communicate clearly to people in different departments about things that are going on, and finding out what the correct process for getting something taken care of.

Once they have a chance to look over the code I wrote, we'll talk more and if I make it to the next step, I'll be "auditioning" for a couple days to see how I fit in with a team. The thing is, I may be a month or two away from it happening, at best, and it could be 4 or 5 months. It depends a lot on how ready one of their teams is to bring on someone, and I can't control that at all.

Well that was weird. I had a dream that Jen, my old college sweetheart, didn't die in 2008 of brain cancer. That somehow that never happened, and she was still alive. I had a talk with her.

I'm not sure where we were, or how I got there. I had the feeling it was her house. It felt like New England, and it was winter. Real winter, with snow on the ground. But March.

We didn't really say much. But we were together in a space. And that communicated volumes. We were strangely separate, a respectful silence and distance. We'd had years and years apart, and different lives, but we still cared about each other and the way we showed that we cared was by not talking or touching. Except through the eyes.

I think she was surprised that I never got married or had kids. I was surprised that she didn't die of brain cancer. She seemed concerned that I wasn't happy with my life, or living the one I wanted. I could only shrug and say that I was doing the best I could figure, and it wasn't so bad most of the time.

We hugged, and I felt what I'll never feel again, outside of a dream.

Then I woke up. The window was open. The air was cool. The house breathed in the night. I could hear birds. And off in the distance, the low rumble of a train headed out of town.

I'm not posting this to fb as I don't want to attract their ire, but if you are using an ad filter extension, such as adblock, add

https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/photos-ak-snc1/v41818/flyers/*

And you'll never see ads on fb anymore. Yay.

Getting kindof fed up about a situation at work.

There's this one app that I had to review for Win7 readiness, out of some 550 apps, which happened to need an upgrade before it would run on Win7x64. So I make the call to do the upgrade.

When the upgrade to got purchased, some other user happened to request the app right around the same time, so there was initially some confusion, which I cleared up very simply by talking to the user who had requested it, and verified that they were a new user requesting the software, why they needed it, and that it wasn't a coincidental duplicate request for the upgrade coming from the department where the software was in use.

Up until now, this app had been in use on a single workstation, in a standalone configuration, but to add a second user to the mix, necessitates migrating the old app data to a server, and running the app in a client-server configuration. Since there wasn't a server previously, this means we have to find a server somewhere that can host the app.

The company has been spinning its wheels for about a month now, trying to get a handle on how to find a server. It's like a How many X does it take to change a light bulb joke.

Everyone I talk to seems to be hung up on one of the following:

1. Procurement of new hardware/budget.


2. System requirements


3. Do we have the correct version of the software and the proper licensing


4. Documentation for how the system will be set up, who will be responsible for it, etc.

Well,

1. We don't need to procure new hardware. This server will serve a total of two users, putting such a minimal load on the system that it would barely be noticed at all. Although, for some reason, they seem to be hung up on this idea that when I ask for a server, I'm asking for a new server, not server space on an existing host. This need was not planned for and therefore was not budgeted.


2. The software will run on any system that is capable of meeting the hardware requirements for the OS.


3. We have the correct software version and the proper licensing.


4. The only real question is how does the company wish to document the system, which I don't know, and no one else seems to be able to tell me.

Now, you would think a large company would have well-defined processes, departments that handle this sort of thing every day, and it would be a simple matter to be pointed in the right directoin, told who to talk to, and maybe my manager calls their manager and gives them a heads up.

But no, I am going in circles, getting told to ask various people, none of whom seem capable of taking any action whatsoever. Things are happening, but at such a glacial pace that they might as well not be.

The new user of the app had requested it some 3 months before I'd even become aware of the request, and it's going on another month now and she still doesn't have her software, I can't tell her with any certainty how soon she can expect to have it, and she needs it in order to do some auditing project, and not having it is holding that entire process up for her, and she really needed it by now. And there's really nothing I can do.

I get the distinct impression that this is how most things happen at this company. No one knows their ass from a hole in the ground, despite being technically competent and having the technical capability of doing things, no one in the company seems capable of doing even the simplest thing without dozens of phone calls, meetings, and so on. It's not much different from how NASA was, except it's all one company instead of a bunch of contractors and the government.

I swear, I've had the same conversation with the same results with a good dozen different people at this point. I wish I could tell you all who they were, or what department they work in. I've pretty much lost track. It's hydra-like, I call one person and they tell me three others who I should call.

I wonder if this will be resolved by the time I leave the position for something better.

You. I like you. You're doing that. That thing I could have done. But you're doing it, so I'd better not. I'd better stick to what I'm doing. When will people notice?

Life feels really good right now. I wish I had more time to go into it. So much going on.

Ha ha ha ha

Local broadcast TV channel WUAB is apparently still around, although why that surprises me exactly, I don't know. It was showing a marathon of bible films today, which was on my grandma's TV. Who exactly decided to put that on, I'm not sure, but I'm convinced they were a heathen bent on demonstrating the lack of literary merit present in the Bible.

Witness some film of unknown vintage, but feeling like the 1960's, and terribly low budget, featuring sets that looked like they were left over from shooting the original Star Trek series for TV, and starring George C. Scott as Abraham, looking like a cross between a hobo and "unfrozen caveman lawyer". Then the ridiculous scene in Sodom (or was it Gomorrah?) where Lot's wife turned into a pillar of sculpted extruded styrofoam and burn marshmallow.

My uncle, at one point: "OK, here's where the whole trouble started up between the Arabs and the Jews. This son went on to be the arabs, and the other one went on to be the jews. And they've been going at it ever since."

My dad: "So is one of them Mohammed?"

If you don't understand what's wrong with either of those statements, there really is no helping you.

It figures this would happen the year that I kept my new year's resolution all the way through the entire god damn year.

So, somehow, I thought I mailed out the mortgage payment for December, such that my next payment due was 1/1/12. In fact, I remember being all happy back in like early November, thinking, yay all done for the year.

Got a call 12/4 from the bank asking me if I was going to pay this month. I'm like "Uh, I thought I did." Well, turns out I didn't. Wasn't actually late though, it was still within grace period. So that's good, I thought. So I took care of that.

Then my porch roof starts leaking. Fuck, I think. I called a roofer out and paid him $250 to fix the leak. While he's there, I ask him to take a look at the back of the house, where there's been three layers of rolled roofing since I moved in, and he's like "Yeah you better take care of that too." So, I think, "Yeah, I've been saying that for the last 5 years." And he only wants $1900 for it, so I do it.

Then I *still* have to pay another house payment before 1/1/12, since that's when the next one's due.

Then yesterday I get a bill from the hospital. Like, they finally figured out I was going there, or something. I don't think the ER visit and all the X-rays and follow up visits and physical therapy is what was in this bill, but who the fuck knows, it's not like their bills actually *explain* what they are charging you for. I think this is for the semi-pointless cortizone injections I had for my lumbar herniation/inflamed nerve. Bill comes to $4300. That's after the insurance paid about half of the bill.

There *might* just be enough in the savings account to combine with the checking account to cover all of that, but I'm not really sure. Maybe? I mean, it's close enough that I'd actually have to look at my balances and all the bills coming due. I'd be damn near zero, though.

Oh, and the bill came YESTERDAY. That's 12/15. It's due, IN FULL, 12/23. That's, like, a week away. And the bill says on it "some or all of this may be past due." Da fuck???

So I call the Cleveland Clinic and first thing I ask them is WTF how is any of this past due if I just got the bill yesterday. "Oh, we just print that on every bill." Really? You people are that fucking moronic?

"So, [explanation of hardships endured in 2011]" can this be broken up into a payment plan?" "Well, you could pay it in 3 monthly payments of $1400." "OK, but I do also like to eat each month. I could probably pay it off in six months." "Well, to do that, you'd need to put it on a credit card we offer at 7.24% interest." "Is there no other way?" "Well, there's Medicaid. Do you make under $10,000/year?" "Ah, no." "Wouldn't qualify for that, then."

Not to mention that the back problem *still bothers* me enough that some days I think, "Man, life's too short for this shit, I should just do the surgery."

So my options, as far as I can see them, are basically this:

1) Pay in full this month, cutting savings to close to around zero, hold breath for a few months and hope I don't bounce a check. Not really smart. *Could* work since I'm likely to receive a HUGE tax refund this year if all the losses from the break-in and the medical expenses work like I believe they will.

2) Agree to the 3-month payoff plan, which basically puts me at all income accounted for through March. My contract is up for renewal in April. It's anybody's guess what will happen at that point. Maybe I get renewed, maybe I don't. I was hoping I'd have money saved up enough so I could take a pay cut and work at Lean Dog. That is looking less and less likely.

3) Put it on their credit card and pay it off "whenever". Here, I could just pay the minimum each month if I had to, and take about 20 years to pay it in full. Sky's the limit.

But wait, there's more!

Back in late October I decided to get the basement inspected, and there's water and mold issues, and it needs to be taken care of. That'll be $15,000. I'm *definitely* financing that.

Just last week the brakes on the car started making a lot of squeaking when I back up, so I'm guessing it's time for new pads. Which means probably also time for new rotors. Which probably means around $200 - 1000.

I put the snow tires on, but the old tires are just about shot. I spun them on wet pavement a few times, and they're *supposed* to be excellent wet weather tread. So that'll be around $600 in around April.

It's looking a lot like I may want to say goodbye to all my retirement savings and cash out my decimated 401k. It's currently around $35k, but with taxes and whatnot that probably gets cut by a lot.

I will hold off on doing that until I see what kind of tax return I'm going to get. Soon as all my w2's come in in January, I'm going to find out. If I don't get enough, then likely that's what I'll do.

I had finally figured out that I am living in too much house and there's not going to be anyone coming in to fill the void anytime soon, and was going to try to get rid of most of my possessions, and try to find a way to sell this place and buy a multi-family place, preferrably a depressed property that I could get for cheap, and rent out a unit or two while living in the attic, long enough at least to save up money. My financial outlook is dramatically different if I'm a landlord and working as compared to if I'm just working. If I'm unemployed or don't like my job, I can get by on property income. If I do have a job, the property income basically turns me into a savings machine, and I can grow my bankroll at around $10,000 a year with very little effort.

If I'm going to do this at all, I'm going to need to raid the retirement savings. And if I have any hopes of working for Lean Dog, then most likely I'll need to raid the 401k for that, too.

2012 could either end up working out OK, or could end up completely fucking me and I lose everything. Considering how much loathing I have for it all, that might not be so bad either way.

Hey, if anyone knows any good financial advisor guys, how about a referral?

Did I forget my meds last night? I feel really achey. :(

I don't want to get out of bed. No, not depressed. Just not enjoying the temperature outside the covers.

Also, I'm a little achey because I haven't gotten my medicine yet, because I haven't gotten out of bed.

I have house cleaning on the docket, and it's just amazing how it piles up and doesn't go away when you don't do it. I do a little but it's not enough.

Stupid winter.

Saw my doctor for my follow up on the back problem. Discussed surgery. Surgery would help me and would make me feel better pretty much immediately. If I just heal naturally without surgery, I'll be about as good a year from now as if I do the surgery. So the tradeoff is immediate benefit vs. risk of death and complications.

I guess it also costs less to just let it heal naturally too. It has been doing a lot better since the third injection, and since I started swimming too.

I might get a booster for the cortizone injection, and if it gets worse the doc said to talk to the surgeon as the next step, but otherwise just keep doing what I'm doing.

I had a slight headache yesterday, and it's back again today. I wonder what could be causing it. Current hypothesis is tension in my shoulders and neck. That might be the one area that doesn't really get much of a workout during my new swimming workout.

Speaking of which, I joined the local Y in order to do exercises in the swimming pool to hopefully help out my lower back. I went for the Tuesday aqua jogging class, and did pretty good, and felt great, other than I think I strained my left calf muscle by kicking as hard as I could at one point; it later cramped up on me and has been tight and sore since then, although today it's not so bad.

My parents had me over for Thanksgiving. I thought my brother and his family were going to come up, but this year they went to his wife's parents. So it was just me and my parents. Every year mom asks me what I want for Christmas this year, and I usually don't need anything because I always make enough money that I can buy pretty much whatever I want for myself whenever I want it. However, this year I am trying to save some money up for Spring, and I've been wanting this particular sweater, which isn't terribly expensive, but I figure I'll have her do that for me this year.

My family is weird (I guess?) in that everyone buys themselves what they want and/or tells someone exactly what they want, then is supposed to act all surprised when they get it on Christmas. It's dumb. As theater for the children I guess it's fine, but as an adult I just don't get it. It's like no one actually knows anyone else in the family well enough to get a present that would be truly appreciated and wanted. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up and unable to feel like I'm close to anyone, ever.

Well, anyway, I emailed my mom the URL to the sweater I wanted, told her what size and color. So all she has to do is order it, right? And she looks at it and spends like 20 minutes making sure I really want it, because it's a hand wash or dry clean only item, and she doesn't think I'll really want it. So, you'd think it'd be sufficient to say "I know; I read the description, this is what I want," but no, I have to go through like 20 minutes saying that it really is what I want, and that I've looked at the entire rest of the internet and yes, that really is the one thing I want most out of everything else.

I hate turkey, pretty much the entire traditional thanksgiving meal, as most people know, so we had prime rib for dinner. It was pretty darn good. It's nice to not starve on Thanksgiving and have to fend for myself via the veggie tray.

My dad watches TV all day, and lately has been watching WWII In Color, which was having a marathon today. So I got to watch a lot of colorized WWII footage with re-done simulated sound in a lot of cases, and narration. It's kindof interesting, but I think I'd prefer the more authentic WWII in b&w.

Been feeling incredibly depressed off and on lately. Not sure if it's the medicine (Neurontin has this side effect where you might want to kill yourself) or just the usual winter depression. I feel like I can't connect with people at all, and it's awful.

Woke up this morning and the leg had some pain in in, and it really hadn't for the most part in the morning. It's mostly been numb. I was worried about the ride in being excrutiating again, but it wasn't. Then in the afternoon, all of a sudden, the numbness AND pain both just went away! It's not 100% and I'm going to continue babying it for a few more days at least until I see how I'm doing, and will endeavor to take as good care of it as I can henceforth, I swear, but could be I'm better? Maybe I won't need surgery? I hope so. This is going to put me on an emotional rollercoaster if I keep having ups and downs.

So, my lower back has hurt me for years, and I never paid any attention to it. I just figured, yeah, it aches from sitting in this position too long, or whatever, and never really thought about that there could be damage happening.

Well, now I have pretty much constant pain on my right side due to a herniated disc. It radiates pain down the right leg. Nothing seems to really help so far -- pills, injections, ice, yoga, getting my spine cracked. It all helps a little bit, gives me some temporary relief, and that's it. Some days it's so bad I walk with a half step on the right side and it takes me so long to get anywhere, and every step makes my irritated nerve more irritated, so it'll never get better. I got a little bit of relief from the treatments I'm on, but they're all temporary and are aimed more at the symptoms than the cause. We hope the herniation reverses itself somehow, I guess, but it's not likely to.

Overnight, I feel and move like an old man. I don't feel sexy at all. I hate this.

Surgery is an option, but it's one everyone including me say we should avoid at all costs. So basically I guess if it gets so bad that I can't walk anymore, then it's probably time to consider it.

If this is how the rest of my life is going to be, I'm not going to be such a happy guy. I don't know what I'm going to do.

that no matter what I do, ultimately it works to my disadvantage.

I see both sides of the coin, every time. So if I do it one way, I'll get screwed the way you get screwed when you do it way one. If I do it the other way, I'll get screwed the way you get screwed when you do it way other.

No matter what the advantages of doing it either way are, they don't pan out the way they might. Like, say the maximum potential advantage of doing something is quantifiable, for sake of argument we'll say "10", and I do see some advantage in choosing that way to do it. But it's only, like 6. And the disadvantage comes along to screw me, and wipes that down to 3. And somehow unless you're hitting at least 7, you're backsliding, so even net gain is still not winning.

God damn it. God damn everything.

Wow, haven't updated here in a while. I'm mostly active on facebook these days, since that's where most of the eyeballs seems to be. LJ is great for longer form journaling, but it lacks a lot of the easy sharing features that make facebook a more inherently active social experience.

I have been super busy of late. I have so much going on. It's hard to sit down for an extended period to collect my thoughts and write out whole paragraphs. Mostly it breaks down as follows:

Game -- I have been working steadily whenever I can to get the game done. At this point, at the rate I'm able to devote time to it, I'm doubtful that it will be finished by the end of the calendar year. I'm a little bummed out by that, but perhaps I'll be able to focus and devote more time in Nov-Dec and get it released. There is no buzz or fanfare around the game, which is as I like, because I don't want to be audacious about something that I haven't done yet and am learning as I go. If the game ends up sucking, I won't be super embarrassed about it, and will pick up what I have learned and apply it to the next project. I already know there will be a next project.

The first month that I spent on the game, I made so much progress so quickly, but now that I'm working on some of the more complex things in the game, it's taking longer. Seems like on average I can deliver a new feature on the order of two weeks to a month. This could bbe improved dramatically, if I was able to devote myself full time to the project, that would likely shrink to 2-3 days, which, really, is quite good I think, particularly for a first game. And, in some sense, although I've programmed a little bit here and there for a long time, I really consider this to be my first major, serious programming effort. The scale of what I'm doing all by myself here is way more than anything I've done before. It's fair for me to say that the stuff I did coding Palm OS and Windows Mobile applications for barcode reader programs is major and serious, but those programs were tiny and simple compared to what I am doing now.

I love what I'm doing now.

Work -- I got renewed at my contracting gig. I got a rather informal review from the contract-side manager, who related to me that the client says I'm doing great, and that my communications skills are excellent. Which is true. They are. On the other hand, I feel at times that I'm far from being as productive as I could be. The project has a fair amount of inherent downtime in it, simply because the logistics of getting all the disorgnaized and over-booked resources to line up is not possible. I mean, it's conceivable, but would require a huge amount of coordination and we don't seem to have the knowledge or the people who can pull that off. So I'm slowly making progress on that project. They've given me more duties -- I'm kindof in charge of what they call the "corporate platform", which means basically I manage all of the software that corporate uses on their desktops. Which currently is close to 500 applications, and by the end of my project should be reduced down to about ~175 or so, give or take. I don't yet have a sense of how much power I have. I'm supposed to have some training on Tuesday that will explain my role to me in more detail, so hopefully I'll have a better sense. So far, I'm being pretty passive about making decisions; I mostly "recommend" things to other people and let them make the official call on things. I can be, and want to be, more assertive about that, but since I don't offcially work as an employee for the company, and am "just a contractor" it seems a little inappropriate for me to be doing that. On the other hand, now that they've handed me this title, perhaps it will be more appropriate. I have to admit, I kindof like having some power and authority over things. Getting to make decisions is something I'm pretty good at when I understand the situation, and I enjoy being able to do that and see how well my decisions turn out.

So I'm there through at least April now. I'm still hopeful about getting in at Lean Dog and becoming a real programmer. I feel like pinocchio saying that. I think that Lean Dog is impressed by my desire to be a programmer, but I haven't been able to demonstrate a whole lot of skill at it just yet. Which is fine, according to them; that's what the apprenticeship would be for -- to rapidly build up those skills. I'm working on that on my own time as well of course, primarily through the game project. They said that they were hoping that there would be more business coming in which would allow them to be able to afford to bring me on board, but it didn't work out, so now I have a few more months to go before I can try again. They seem to like me, and I LOVE the company, so it seems like it should be a sure thing to happen at some point, but getting all the dots to line up so we can connect them is just taking more time than I had hoped.

Health -- Finally completely healed from the broken arm, as of probably a few weeks ago. I am not exercising as much as I wanted, due to my lower back acting up again. I've been having a lot of pain radiating down my right leg, basically the same thing that knocked me down for the second half of 2009. I'm dealing with it, mostly through a shit-ton of ibuprofen and this prescription drug my doctor gave me called neurontin. One of its possible side effects is suicide, but I don't think there's any danger of that with me, as I have felt no discernable change in my psychology when I'm taking it. I had stopped taking it after about a month, because I didn't really notice any difference, but since the leg pain became more acute, I tried it again, and it actually does seem to take a lot of the pain away.

I just got over a cold, which had also been dragging me down for about the last two weeks. I am getting primed to kick some ass just as soon as I'm back to 100%. I feel pretty kick ass and unstoppable lately. I need to get more sleep than I get, though. But I'm just so damn busy, so much I need to do, and being slowed down by my health just makes it take that much longer. But I am a total fighter, and I am winning.

Dammit I wish I could fucking sleep.

weird dream last night. I was back living at my parents house, and about 14 or so. daliah was there, babysitting me and my brother. I was embarrassed because a 14 year old doesn't fucking need a babysitter. I was up in my room talking to her about something like bedtime, and then suddenly she tried to kiss me! I was like, whoa, I thought you *liked* your bf! And she was like, it didn't work out, and you're cute. Then I got this visible-through-clothing erection and became even more embarrassed, and tried to hide it with a funnel I happened to be carrying for some reason. Only, suddenly I was naked. daliah giggled, mischievously. Then I noticed a large, ugly spider dangling in the air over her head, and not wanting to screw up the moment, I tried to get it before she could see it, without somehow seeming like I was doing something weird. Then I woke up:(

Man, I had some kind of amazing dream.

I was in the vicinity of W77th street, walking down the street in some imaginary old neighborhood, when I came across an old, abandoned train station that was being auctioned. It was an open house day, so I walked in and investigated. It was awesome and vast and would have made a great hackerspace, particularly if you were into steampunk, because of all the 1930's architecture and furnishing. I took photos with my cell phone, and at one point noticed a woman down at a platform below me in period dress, waving wildly at me. When the camera flashed, her appearance took on a grotesque, monstrous "tint" and then she disappeared before my eyes! I felt a chill and all my body hair felt electrified as I realized I had just photographed a ghost. I later found out that the train station was part of a larger compound which included a thousand room mansion, and the train station served as a sort of attached garage for one of the gilded age's wealthiest industrialists. The mansion was also up for auction, although separately. I couldn't wait to tell the other hackerspace guys about the place, but I had no idea how we could possibly afford it.

Another email from my dad, unedited...( Read more... )

The lack of outside imposition of a diurnal cycle is liberating. I think I will start calling my cycle a mini day. I seem to wake up for a few hours, then get tired again and nap for a bit. Overall I'd say I probably am sleeping more than normal, but I haven't been keeping track of this very carefully. I'm a little worried about adjusting back to a normal activity cycle, although I did just fine with the weekend, being up from 7 to midnight.